The thoughts and comments of an Insanly challenged, mentally Imbalanced teenager

stress...pain.....and harrassment!

2007-01-01T18:08:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been trying to handle a few problems and dissagreements I have been having with my ex boyfriend. It has gotten to the point where the other day I went down to the police station to get some help from them. To my surprise however, after I had finished my statement and told them all I could remember after 3 hours of sitting in the office, they contacted me after getting ahold of my ex and accused me of lying to them, and told me that they were charging me with public mischief for leading the cops onto a fauls charge.

Now incase some of you are confused the reason i went to the cops in the first place was because he was harrassing me and uttering threats towards me and my boyfriend,

I can say this much I feel like I have reached the peak of my stress level. im feeling really sick and I can barely eat half the time...its horrible and on top of all that the cops turn around and accuse me of lying to them?!!!....

they are really helping to give me confidence in the few people i thought could maybe help me for once. but i see i was wrong.....i came to the conclusion a long time ago that its hard for me to trust anyone, now i see that i really cant!............what do i do? ..the law wont help me....and i cant handle it on my own...and knowone else will help ...every one who i call my friends and family....all tell me to just go to the law...and let them deal with it..well they slamed there door in my fucking face! ..............now what?

why is life so hard some times?

2006-10-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

Some times i sit down and think to myself.....why does life have to be so complicated? why does it always throw twists and turns and BLOCKS in front of you just when you think things are starting to turn out better? the answer to this is unknown to me personaly but to others i ask ...they always seem to have the right answers.

Alot of things have happend in my life over the past little while...2 of my best friends were blessed with the most beautiful baby girl i have ever seen...*congrats guys I love you*...I moved away ...and came back, and yet again it seems that someone i know has passed away. I have alot going through my head that I wish wasnt, but there isnt much i can do to stop it. Alot of things i have told to those close to me and they are helping me through it, but there are a few other things that no one knows about that I havent been able to *solve* on my own, they are very difficult things for me and i know talking about them would probably help but as you all know me..there are certain things i like to do on my own.

I dont know why i am writing this, maybe just for a little bit of releaf on my part, and to let people know that I am still alive and I havent fallen off the face of the earth.

I half expected things to go back to being the way they were before i left town but for some reason alot of things seem different. People seem to have changed while i was gone...dam i didnt think i was gone that long people ....like come one here! ...*hehe*.

Everyone i used to know is either too busy to say hi or talk on the phone, either that or they are no longer around or no longer want the company of me....Although I see why in the cases of some of the people i knew but for the majority of the others I am uncertain why...

So I end this statement with this finaly question..can any one give me there explenation why?

Why is life so twisted?

good news ...for me anyways

2006-10-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

Well I came to the conclusion the other day that I am no where near ready to be out on my own as you all may have figured would happen sooner than later I am on my way home!....I will be in town on the 14th of this month. There are a few reasons why I am coming home for those of you who chose to ask....one: I miss my mommy and daddy(yes i guess that one would have been a give in)..two: I am having some physical problems I need to be at home to deal with, a.k.a my screwed up spine has gotten worse since I'v been here and I need to go back and see my doctor back home. three: there are certain people who are having a baby soon who would apreciate having me home for that, and four: the most important thing (to me that is) is the fact that I am in love, Now i know this person loves me back just as much, but nothing is going on between us...(yet)...I have yet to talk to this person and figure out what we are going to do about *us* and the way we feel...

So on a closing note...yes I am coming home for good...

I love you all and I will see you shortly...

(did ya miss me)...hehehe

The big move!

2006-09-12T09:29:00.000-07:00

Well Incase alot of you didnt know, I am no longer in the sweet little town of mission, I have infact packed my bags and left B.C.

I am currently living in Calgary Alberta with my big sister tabz, and her Thing.....i mean boyfriend thiing!!..randy

I am soo sorry I did not get the chance to say goodbye to alot of you before I left but if you would like to keep in touch with me, Rose has my email!.....:P

I moved out here to find better work and to mainly do some soul searching, I have made a few friends already and am willing to make a few more down the road. I am not sure if this move is permanent or temporary, but one thing that might bring me home, is the piece of my heart and soul that I left behind, my best friend, brother, lover, whatever you want to call him, I had no choice but to leave him behind back home, and make this journy without him. but he will be coming out here shortly anyways!>......

anyways, that is all for now....like i said if you want to keep in touch with me rose has my email.....

love you all.......

Making up your mind!

2006-03-28T14:27:00.000-08:00

Men really need to learn how to make up there minds...I have come to realize over the past year that men dont know how to do that!.......Well there is an old saying that goes"if you love someone let them go, and if they come back then it was ment to be"..well...Terry came back and we worked everything out...and we are together......cause we broke up for a while there and i dont know if i mentioned that or not? i have a really bad memory these days.....but if i did mention that already im sorry .....for those who even read this anymore(I dont know if any one even reads my blog anymore cause it seems like nobody does or they do and just dont care about how im doin!):(

2006-03-22T13:54:00.000-08:00

I think that relationships are a big waist of time, they dont amount to anything if you dont have the right person, it takes what seems like your whole life for you to even find the right person and when you do find the right person, you dont even know it cause they are to stupid and pig headed to tell you how they really feel. Instead they get scared and tell you that you would be better off as friends. I have come to the conclusion over the past little while that relationships are jut not my thing, because everytime I find something that makes me feel complete.....something goes wrong to screw it up! like men thinking that if we ever fight we will break up instantly and never talk to each other ever again ....well ya know what if you've known the guy for 6 years already and you havent foughten yet.....then why the hell would you start now!?? I know that fights DO and WILL happen in most relationships but thats no reason to freak out and dump the person right away ....I mean ......If you fight with your significant other and you get upset with them but in your heart you still love them then it shouldnt be a big thing to worry about .......but ....i guess its unerstandable...............TO MEN ! but not to someone like me......I think im just going to stay single for the rest of my life and that was that !

Good and Better!

2006-03-21T12:54:00.001-08:00

Wes and I arent going out anymore....But I have someone new! His name is Terry hes really hot...and......yeah im gonna stop there!!!!

Im happy.....My gramma lives in mission !! we just moved her out here on wednessday!
I might be moving in the next 2-3 years............not saying where ...till i figure out if im going or not!
but yeah ..thats all.....

My untitled complaint about everything!

2006-03-01T22:25:00.000-08:00

Well......here it goes....

I am having problems in my relationship and I dont know what to do .......He is moving to Dawson Creek for a year or two and I am going to miss him....

Im not really one for long distance relationships, (the last one didnt turn out too well) , but I am going to stick this one out as best as I can .......

just pray that everything goes okay because I dont think I could have my heart broken one more time.............its already being held together with duck dape!!!!!!;)

YYYYAAAAAAAY

2006-01-31T14:22:00.000-08:00

All i have to say is .....YAHOOOOO !!! Im gonna be an Aunti.............

My best friend is pregnant.....and im happy for her...but the only thing i am upset about is the fact that because me and her are such really really REALLY close friends...i am now getting sympathy pains.........*NOT FARE*,.....but hey........It dont bug me that much...im just glad that she is gonna be a mommy!!!!

(love you girly)

news!

2006-01-13T17:26:00.000-08:00

i am kinda happy!

things are going sorta ok between me and my ex......

I have alot of good friends who have been very helpful in making me feel better..........
there are still some things that are bugging me but im not quite sure what they are.......there is something on my mind that i want to say .....but im not sure if it is the right time to say.......

I have a feeling that its too early to determine how i really feel towards certain people!....
although coffee with aunti rose sounds really really fun!!!......cause she loves me!
and shes gonna call me right???? cause ive called her.....so shes.......OK i hate that..for the past 2 days i have not been able to stop talking ...i just keep going on and on and i cant stop......HELP
liksdjfoi4hjojsvouhjweou4hnjkxfdv uoiw heosjkn DVUO WOS.........THERE....all my ranting is done! .......I love gibberish...keeps me out of trouble!

IM SOOO ALONE

2005-12-30T16:23:00.000-08:00

I broke up with my boyfriend of one year the other day.......it really hurt at first, but i didnt show it .... i was strong......It didnt hit me how much i hate being alone until my best friend wes started to talk to me about it, then the tears hit...

Ive come to realize , that being alone is something thats hard for me to handle, Im so used to having some one there to comfort me or make me happy , or to wake up with in the morning, that i dont know if i could stand being alone for too long. I know that im not really alone , because of all the wonderful friends that i have, they are like family to me.

Its also really hard falling for your ex's best friend. expecially when he's known ur ex since 7th grade. I want to go out with wes, but at the same time i dont because I dont feel right putting him in the middle of me and my ex, Im scared that if i start dating him then things will get messed up between him and my ex and i dont want to ruin there friendship. Im too nice of a person to do something like that.

Josh(my ex) kept telling me that he was sorry and that he didnt mean all the horrible things that he said to me while i was ill(and still am). I know it may be true but i also know that we have grown apart over the past few months of not living together. That is one of the main reasons we broke up, and that he fell in love with someone new while we were seeing eachother. so I had no choice but to end it...

I hate being alone, *crying*, but i guess its something that i will have to get used to. For i fear that i will NEVER find someone who will actually love me and just me.......i never do...
the last thing i have to say is ......"Wes, if you read this, I do like you, and i just want you to be happy."

Reindeer???!!

2005-12-15T14:48:00.000-08:00

I recently checked out Rose's blog and found her blog about "which one of santa's reindeer are you"
and here are my results:

***You Are Cupid***
A total romantic, you're always crushing on a new reindeer.
Why You're Naughty: You've caused so much drama, all the reindeers aren't speaking to each other.
Why You're Nice: You have a knack for playing matchmaker. You even hooked Rudolph up!
Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?http://www.blogthings.com/whichofsantasreindeerareyouquiz/

conclusions

2005-12-13T12:22:00.000-08:00

I have come to the conclusion that every time I want to do something fun for myself I should just go out and do it and not say anything to any one becuase every time i do they majically all of a sudden have it done or have gone and done it already, when up until the time i mentioned that i wanted to do something they have said it was lame or boring or ..."not in style"....

From now on I am not going to tell any of my friends about the "fun stuff" I want to do...because if i do i would just be giving away my wonderful ideas and i dont want to do that anymore...Im tired of people doing things before me just to be cooler than I.....

There have been quite a few times where i have mentioned to a few of my friends that i am going to go buy something nice for myself for once...and a few days or weeks later they all of a sudden have it like i said .....so thats my thought for the day.....not to tell my friends anything!....that way ..i will be able to go shopping for myself and not have to care or worry about who already has what or who already went and did something ....like alot of my friends do.

updates on the wonderfulness of ME!

2005-12-12T18:00:00.000-08:00

Well i havent blogged in a long time so i thought i would give my input on a few past things and let you know what i have been up to in the past little while....

On the whole church thing....I would say that i agree with Rose, and Scott..and whoever else is involved...Dont be rude to certain people just because they are being kind and helping him along with his wonderful new business, thats not what church is about...Whoever has dont this should be VERY VERY ashamed....God would not be happy about that...and you , EXPECIALLY all of you should know that. Im not impressed with the way some people from church have been acting towards those who chose to be true to their kind hearts and help those who need it...
and thats all i have to say about that topic...if you dont like what i have to say about it then you dont have to ...but its the TRUTH

And on another front....work is going great...and incase you havent heard yet i am working in the new deli in superstore.
My boyfriend , a friend and I are looking to move by January, and he no longer lives in my house...we decided that living apart is better for us...(not explaining the story).

I recently found out that my lung virus has moved down into my stomach, so that kinda hurts..i was diagnosed with patello femeral syndrome or as the comical people i know would like to put it ...flat feet,( and no i dont have duck feet mom!!!).

well thats really all I have to say for now.....

Oh and by the way.....TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WANT OTHERS TO TREAT YOU!

sad news

2005-08-20T11:39:00.000-07:00

Well i was just informed that my aunts father died the other day......or as everyone calls him....grandpa frank.........that is sooo sad.......first her husband of diabetes and then her son (murder) and now her father (old age im guessing)......

and on top of that my mother in law is in the hospital.......im not going to say what for its not my place......but its really bad......she is being held over night and tomorrow has to have surgery .......

poor mum( cry)

I've been tagged!

2005-05-30T09:31:00.000-07:00

Well im supposed to tell you 10 things i love instead im going to tell you 10 people i love like family. not including actuall family, they dont count!:P

1. Josh
2. Liszybear
3. Robler
4. Bethybird
5. Potato
6. Pinky
7. Stephie
8. Spidey
9. Davyn
10. Cliffnerd

There you go, Yes some of the names are wierd, thats because they have wierd nick names, this is what i like to call my "street family" . these are people ive know for a while, varying from 1year all the way to 12 years. these are the people i can trust and know will always be there for me. and me for them. so there !

considering i dont have alot of the bloggers emails i'll just tag you from here! ....Lori, Manda, Krystie, james, HAHA youve been tagged!

You should know !

2005-05-25T09:18:00.000-07:00

I dont really know why im writing today, i dont have anything to say, and yet i cant stop or turn off the computer.

I guess there is some things im thinking of that im not telling myself, or others, that finally want out.

I feel alone, I feel afraid, Im scared for my life and i dont know why. I think too much about what might happen to the people I know and not enough about whats going on right in front of me.

I take my time to worry too much about other people and whats going on in there lives and "oh dude! how can i get into that!" instead of,"ok whats going on with ME today?"

There is no reason for me to be this way and i cant fix it.....

I just thought that you guys should know .

Sad Sad times

2005-05-24T10:31:00.000-07:00

Ok Here is what happend saturday to yesterday!

evening of saturday: Me and josh got into a huge fight because i said i wanted some free time, time to myself for a day or two to think...He took that as me taking a few days off from our relation ship and he got scared, So did i!...i told him i was going to a friends place for the night and that ide be back the next day, he got upset because i didnt come home..

Sunday morning(sorry i missed church everyone, this will explain why): I got home at about 11:30 from my friends house, Me and josh had a long talk and managed to be sivilized to each other and started to get along. We managed to work things out. He was sitting in the bed room and he accidentaly broke his $ 1500 bed, But he fixed it!....after all this, ( mind you josh is a little loony...no seriously, he is "supposed" to be taking anxziety pills to keep him calm), he was sitting on the bed and he started rocking back and forth, and he kept saying that he wanted to die. so i called his mum to see if there was anything that she could do, she told me to call 911, so i did.
After we got all that worked and squared off, Josh is again mad at me, this time for "Putting pressure on his parents for calling them when something is seriously wrong"
We are still talking, and still going out, basically the only reason he didnt call me from his parents place and break up with me is( I figured this out on my own)becuase he is in love with me, I know that hes not mad, hes just hurt because he caused everyone else to be worried about him. i know this, his mother knows this, and so do we all.

I just want him to be happy, thats all i ask, as long as he is happy, im happy, but right now, hes not happy, so therefor, im in pain.

over excited

2005-05-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

I cant wait...this is driving me nuts......:P

4 more days....I CANT WAIT

2005-05-16T09:44:00.000-07:00

Well there is 4 more days till my prom. This friday, we are meeting at the school and from there going to SwaniSet for dinner and a dance, and at about midnight we are coming back to the school and having the Dry grad part of prom, with music and hanging out and they are having a bull ride this year. But im not sure if i want to go to that...i might just go home, Im not sure yet.

Im so excited...Ive done so much this month to prepair for my prom....Ive gotten my dress, had to work really hard to get the money for mine and joshes prom tickets, and my grad fees!.

I got my nails done, but as i told everybody...They didnt last long. they were slowly breaking off so i got tired of it and just took them off myself. im getting my hair done today at riverside. and i have to pick up my dress from the school in 2 days. AAAG.......so much to do ..so little time left...so If any of you want to see me(the kinda tomboyish type) in a dress, then be at mss by 5:00 with your camera to take pictures, if not then i will bring pics to show everyone!

but ya ...i m going to go cause im kinda in school right now!

nothing really

2005-04-23T15:58:00.000-07:00

Ok...the only reason i am blogging right now is because i have nothing else to do and I am really bored....

again!!.....my foot is doing better, i can walk and it doesnt hurt anymore but it still hurts to move it a certain way....

i hate being bored

never try to walk on a foot thats fallen asleep

2005-04-18T14:20:00.000-07:00

the other day....i think it was wednessday night or something like that i cant quite remember...

i was talking to my brother and we were sitting in front of the elementary school between our houses.....well my foot fell asleep without me realizing it...and when i got up to leave i fell and almost sprained my ankle.....doc told me that i bruised the bone in my foot and that within this weke it should be back to normal... ...

this has taugh me that if your foot has fallen asleep ou should always try to wake it up first before you try to walk on it.....or else next time i might break it!

lies

2005-04-08T00:15:00.000-07:00

how come every time i try to help some one all i get in return is lies?

instead of getting the friendship that i am trying to ( or was trying to ) save, i get nothing but a mouth full of lies.....

do people have no honesty and compashion anymore??

a few weeks ago i was worried about one of my friends.....now....i see no point because everytime i tried to help this person they blew me off...or told me lies.....and they said i was being a bad friend....LOOK IN THE BLOODY MIRROR

im not trying to be ....lets just say rude for now.....im just upset that the friendship had to end like it did.......it kills me to see that people can be so ignorant........

i have nothing more to say

the lack of me

2005-04-02T09:15:00.000-08:00

just because i dont blog that often doesnt mean im never going to do it again......number one my computer likes to play games....like shut itself off and not let me do something...and all around just not work sometimes.....(today is one of its better days).....Number two..every time i get well time alone to myself with noone home or everyone asleep is when i usually like to blog and ther have been soo many things going on lately that i havent had the time to blog .....im graduating this year.....ive been trying to work hard on my capp but of course i need my computer to do that......ive been busy running around and helping my mum clean and the chance i get to go some where that isnt to school, i go some where.....usually with my boyfriend josh..

And another thing that I am concerned about is why amanda quit school??
I know that she said to me that she wants to take a year off and go to river side in the new school year....but why? If she would show up to the classes that she likes to (cough cough skip cough cough) and do some work then i believe that she might pass school with pretty good marks......im not saying this to be rude....its just how i feel....i learnt my lesson last year about skipping.....i had to repeat alot of my classes this year...that is why im still here....or else i would have been gone in the first semester........ Im busting my butt to get all my work done to go to my prom with my boyfriend.....and im worried that amanda wont have a prom if she keeps skipping and dropping out.......a prom is the last place that you will see alot of people that you went to school with.....even if you dont like most of them......you still have one last chance to *get them back * for stuff.......just kidding i dont believe in physical violence...i only want to dye her hair puke green!!

lol anways....Yes i may sound like a mother when i say that im worried about her...but if thats the way it is then soo be it.....im just saying this because i care and im her friend.....i wish she would have stayed in school.....cafeteria is noooo fun without the * meow* i usually get in responce to half the things i ask .......and besides....the longer she stays out of school then the more years she has of school.......see my point....you wont get out faster by putting it off till later...i know that...cause frankly im to the point where i would NEED to take a year off to get rid of all the stress that, that school puts me through......and yes im talking about the bullying thing....its not continuing but apparently there have been complaints about me.....a counciler came up to me the other day....and told me that one of my teachers...* OF ALL PEOPLE A TEACHER HAS TO INSULT ME LIKE THIS ARRRRRG*....said that i smell.....
ya a teacher didnt have the guts to say this to my face....the teacher had to go around and make my counciler....tell me..the one person i trust.....had to insult me to my face for some one else ....not that she wanted to she was actually confused about it cause she said she couldnt smell anything......
the people in that school are really wanting me to drop out or something because they keep pushing my buttons further and further..but ya knwo what i have 2 months till prom and 1.5 weeks till my prom dress gets made......after that im going to work and working my way to getting my own place in the future.......in closing...im finishing my 2 months of school because ive come to the conclusing that dropping out or *quitting for a year* is not an option....becaus there is so little time left.......
Amanda....please come back...not just for me but for urself.....

Pain

2005-03-16T08:47:00.000-08:00

ok here it is....this is just me needing to rant and rave to someone about this and my blog is the only way i see that i can do that to everyone and not do it in person and tick people off...

IM TIRED OF PEOPLE TREATING ME LIKE CRAP

I'm sick and tired of people in my school (teachers and students alike) treating me like I dont matter or like I dont even belong......its really driving me up the F*ing wall....(scuse my language)

but im serious about this....i have only about 2 months left of school before my prom hits and about 2 1/2 months before im finished school completely....i can quit now i know that (besides i made promises to people i intend to keep them)!

I dont know what im going to do about these people....Ive done all i can about it and now its just little things that are ticking me off that arent even worth talking to the principle about .....

like ....telling me i cant sit somewhere,( where i usually sit), because someone else is going to sit there...or getting mad at me because i didnt have time to do homework or because ive been away for so long and not been in class.....(even when they know that my father just got out of intensive care and is now back home.
On top of that my dad had to *do away* with my cat because he was having multiple seasures.....
i couldnt be at home so I left to go see Josh for a while.....then as soon as i walked in the door at home i looked at the freazer where my kat usually sits and he was gone...i was in tears within 2 seconds of walking in the door.......

Some people dont realize this ...but over the past 4 or 5 months.... Ive gone through sooo much pain and dispare that i cant even sleep properly anymore....
like last night for example i woke up at 2:30, and 4:36, and again every 10to 15 minutes from 5:00 to about 7:21...So lets just say that Im not in a good mood today ...and on top of that I ended up talking to my ex b/f junior this morning on the computer ......I told him how i felt and whats been going on with me lately and he did the same and then he told me that i was lieing to myself about him and basically implying that i didnt care even tho i do and always will....(is it true that you never forget ur first love?)...cause that is what i believe ......and that is what i told him....

so right now i am so edgy its not even funny and i just wish that i could drop out get a job and live a life away from all those people who cause me pain and hurt....I WANT OUT OF THIS STUPID BOX... But I lost my key!

thats the most phylisophical way i can put it.....ok then here is another one if you dont believe me.....
"If drinking and driving is illegal, then why do Bars have parking lots?"

poor kitty:'(

2005-03-15T12:18:00.000-08:00

Last night at about 8ish...i noticed my cat was acting really weird.....so my dad came over to look at him.......He was flopping around and his eyes were dialated.....he had lost the pinkness in his mouth and nose ....is color was almost completely white......and he couldnt even lift up his head without falling over onto his side.......he was really sick........

So since my family is on a tight budget ......we called my uncle to....*end his life*.....and GO FIGURE!...just as i go to wrap him up in an old pillow case to put him in the truck......he livens up and starts to move around normally again........so he is still alive and kicking but his color in his mouth and nose are still a little bit off....he can walk normaly, and he still isnt eating like he used to ........

A while ago i was talking about getting rid of him.....Well i cant bloody well do that now....my boyfriend and I were sitting with him for 2 hours last night just petting him and making him comphortable.....as i told my boyfriend last night....I think he just adopted a new pet.....spock(my cat0 was LOVING IT....getting all that attention.....my friend Leanne told me that its possible that he had a stroke or a seasure.......which i didnt think was possible in animals but obviously i was prooven wrong............

Now im happy..i have my family, my friends , my boyfriend...and my kitty!!....SPOCK!!

2005-03-07T11:14:00.000-08:00

Well....things could be going better.....I think alot of people got a really good scare on sunday!

when that guy came up and read that letter from the other pastor.....i thought( at first) that scott was leaving us for good, but then after he talked i realized that it was stupid of me to think such a thing......scott would never leave us! we'de go nuts!

To me ...scott isnt just a pastor...he is a loving father....and very good friend.....he has done so much for every one of us and what have we done for him in return, NOTHING but tell him our problems and ask him to help us more...

At a time like this i think scott needs us more than we need him....Im happy that he has decided to take some needed time off, and happy because he will still always be the scott that we all know and love.

what he needs right now ( in my opinion) is friends. Not members of the church...but friends that he sees once a week....
You see...scott will always be there...even though he isnt up front making us laugh like he usually does...just because hes not up there doesnt mean he wont be there... he will always be there......in my prayers....in our lives...and in my heart.....for i love scott ......as a friend...as a comedian:P and as a father........

smile, its good for the soul

2005-02-27T14:33:00.000-08:00

One thing that I learned while my dad was in the hospital is that even though at times life can be pretty rough, if you only hold ur head up and smile, you will always have a good day!

My father is finally home, has been since tuesday, he went for his first walk yesterday and went for another one today, he isn't back yet...and he left about an hour ago, so he is doing really well.

I want to thank all of you for praying for my dad...that was very thoughtful, I love you all!

I went through a very rough time, worrying, praying, and crying, If you didnt know, I am more sensative than the average teen should be, meaning my emotions are high strung, so even the smallest thing can hurt me too much...which is why for the past 2 weeks while my dad was in the hospital, i went through a stage of stress, and depression. But he is finally home to make me smile, laugh, and still cry a bit, but its all for love..........

My family is once again whole, but my heart is still missing something....Even though I am only 17, I long for a (future) family of my own. Yes......I do think about that alot....but I know that I am not nearly ready for that yet....I just cant wait for the day when I finally accomplish my goal...to be a loving sister, friend, lover, and mother.......but the last one will have to wait a few years....lol......not ready to go through all that yet!
ya Im being smart...and waiting!
Im not about to go out and get *PREGO* as me and my friends like to put it....No that is going to wait!...at least 5 years.....

But anyways...I am happy, but still not whole...although my life may seem that way most of the time...remember ....
"Things aren't always what they seem, So don't judge the book by its cover"- unkown

emergency room blues :'(

2005-02-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

Hey people.....BAAAD NEWS

My dad got rushed to the hospital last night at about 8ish.........turns out he had a blood clot in his heart...so they did surgery to put a stint in the arterie to open it up....

we dont know when he is coming home but right now he wants a deck of cards.!!

thats my dad for ya..........

there isnt much else to say on the topic...but my friends prayers pulled through....(thanx Mat)

this is me signing out......see ya all at church if i can make it:'(

eureka!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-02-08T11:55:00.000-08:00

Hello my friends...im sorry i havent been blogging in the past little while, i kind of lost my internet for a bit there ......anyways here is the scoop on the news you missed!

Life sux, and always will.....and there are certain people who make it suck even more...but im not going to name anyone....

I have a new boyfriend....his name is Josh :P and on the 12th, it will be our 1 month!
um.....

I have a problem....One of my friends tells me that she hates my boyfriend, and she even talkes very rudely about him to me when he isnt there. I dont like it at all and i want her to stop doing this but I dont want to loose her as a friend....ive known her for 4 years......what should i do??

how can i ask her to stop this and help those 2 get along.........???????????

Boredom

2004-12-15T13:51:00.000-08:00

Hey peoples.......IM BORED

so ive decided to write a blog on being bored....did you know that it is very easy to become bored and at the same time you can be very easily amuzed!!

that is the weird part.........anyways....BOREDOME SINKING IN...MUST GO BUG BROTHER!

Ear blows of my head!!

2004-12-14T10:58:00.000-08:00

So ya weird title i know but anyways.......

Went to the hospital last night.....Emergency .....I felt like my ear was ready to fall off because it hurt so bad... So The doctor *Dr. Henderson* checks it out and says that I have a bad middle ear infection! AGAIN!!

I also asked him about my lungs and he told me that The air passage in my lungs isnt opening up properly and the bacterial virus has a place to hide and that is why the anti biotics arent working properly...and that I may have a bad case of asma and may have to go on a stronger Permanent inhaler till it gets better!
so ya I am doing right peachy......I FEEL LIKE MY HEAD IS GONNA EXPLODE!
they put me on an inhaler....pills....and flonaze .....AAAAAGGGGHHH im turning into a walking drug store....im also taking vitamin pills....and advil for the pain!!

this is nuts!

again and again it happens......ENOUGH!

2004-12-12T16:23:00.000-08:00

Well

I've told you what has been going on lately and I've come to a permanent decision!

I am no longer going to put up with any bodies bull crap about me or B******* to put it in a polite way! Because it has gotten to the point where I am soo stressed out I cant even think straight any more.

To all of my *friends* that have been putting me down ( big things or little things) ENOUGH IS ENOUGH cause guess what, I'm going to tell you something that I have learned from a TRUE friend, just "don't"

That word and the way he described it to me has made me think about alot of things and made me feel alot better in the long run. Just think about it, and you will see what I mean!

Anyways that is all I have to say for now, soo long and good bye!

real love

2004-12-10T09:37:00.000-08:00

To actually be in love is one of the hardest things a person can do.

I really did love him, and he lost that love.

That is why it is so hard for me to get over this, but I'm starting to.

I am going to stay away from relation ships for a while, because with they way this happend, i feel used!

And feeling that way is very wrong. I dont want to feel this way anymore but there is nothing that i can do about it.
Its a way of life and it sucks.
I know some of you think that i am too young to have experienced love, but for a breif amount of time I did!
and that is what hurts the most......im still very said and on the verge of crying as i write this to all of you.

Now there are only 2 guys that i can trust, I dont think i could ever trust anyone as much as I trust and love these 2 .......Rob, Mat......I love you guys...
even tho they probably wont see that ...its there anyways...they are my best friends in the whole world....love is always there! and that i believe is true love

time to pay!

2004-12-09T16:07:00.000-08:00

Well
i found out some interesting news and Im not sure wether or not I have said it yet so I am going to tell you now

I am no longer dating what was my supposed boyfriend junior!

my sister ended up talking to him on the computer 2 days ago, and not telling him who she was, they striked up a conversation and in the midst of the conversation he told her" his EX girlfriend jojo lived in mission and that he had lied to her telling her that he was in saskatchewan in jail"

When i heard this i was deaply upset and Yes I did cry, but i got over it very quickly, Now I am away for the weekend but still able to blog!
'
Anyways the moral of my story is that I should have listend to my friends in the first place and watched my back when I was dating this JERK
now I am single feeling better and ready to move on!

UPSET

2004-12-08T17:17:00.000-08:00

Well there are a few things that make me upset......one is the fact that i have been sick for almost 6 months and the stupid doctor hasnt done a thing about it!

Another thing that upsets me is when people bully me and nothing gets done about it......

This has been going on for a while now and its JUST getting noticed by my teachers and my principal!

and the last thing that ticks me off is when my friends make silly little comments to try and make themselves look better when they get something done and get mad when there friends get it done shortly after!

cause ya know what....BIG HAIRY DEAL.......it doenst matter and if people want to dissagree with me then go right ahead....cause Ive told people for the longest time that there are certain things i am going to eventually do and i wasnt kidding ...so if they happen to get those things done b4 me then i dont care im still getting it done...

the next thing to get peirced is my tongue! so :P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P to you !
lots a luv!

ouchie!

2004-12-05T14:40:00.000-08:00

Hey you crazy peoples you....

..I GOT MY EAR PEIRCED!

and all i have to say is ........ouch!

well it didnt hurt that much at all actually but now i have to sleep on the left for a while till it stops hurting every time i poke at it which is like every few seconds ....hehe

I cant help myself! its just so much fun........DAVINAAAAAA....(ur next sweetie).......:P

STUPID LAWS!

2004-12-04T23:50:00.000-08:00

So,

Some people believe that you should only hang out with people the same age as you and the same gender!
And to me that is complete BULL CRAP!

Frankly I dont care what people think or what they say, most of my friends are guys and alot of them are older than me too, And that is the way its going to stay! because I love all my friends get that I LOVE MY GUY FRIENDS! and there is nothing you ego statistic people can do about it......

what do you think?

What would you say if someone came up to you and told you that you couldn't hang out with your best friend because he was male and older than you by a few years!

AND another thing......You people who think that way.....Ur screwed up!

The Corn Pokers Society!

2004-12-04T23:35:00.000-08:00

YES....................

.......Some other people and I have created what I like to call the Corn Pokers Society!

Now I am not naming anybody...........A.N.Y.B.O.D.Y.......(so dont ask) ...lol :P

anways......what do you think that our society is about ? COME ON PEOPLES GIVE ME SOMETHING TO LAUGH AT CAUSE I KNOW AND YOU DONT!:P kidding.....i just wanna know what you think about when some one says corn pokers!

He's here !!!!

2004-12-04T13:01:00.002-08:00

Ok aunti rose is happy!
Her son has finally come home!
Tony has finally made it to come and see her and the boys!

Im happy for her!
but still sad because it makes me think of Junior, I wish sometimes that he didnt leave, but at the same time I know that he had to go. and other times I wonder if he will still love me when he returns! Its hard being in a relationship with some one when there home is so far away!
and most of the time I wonder if he will even come back at all....i havent heard from him since he left and im realy scared because I want to know what has happend!
I wont find out until I talk to his dad, if his dad has even called there to find out yet!
anyways YAY for aunti rose and Tony being home !
and im really sad that Junior is gone.....
what am i going to do? any suggestions?

lately!

2004-12-01T16:20:00.000-08:00

OK

here is what has happend since the last time i blogged, I got a job! iit might be a small one and only part time till april but its work.....ya Im baby sitting! but its god...the kids love me!

another thing that happend....My best lady friend...Amanda has come down with a terrible cold and I would just like to wish her the best of luck ......( luv you manda, get better soon sweetie)...

anyways......GOOD NEWS>....no wait...AWESOME NEWS....i found out the other day that my prom dress is being specially made just for me ...so its going to be originall...and its getting done for free....from a lady who works at heritage park school!, apparently she does this every year for the girls prom...she makes dresses for them......she is so sweet...anyways that is basically it....

soo long till next time peoples!

confusion

2004-11-23T15:09:00.000-08:00

Some people think that I am weird....Others think that I am a saint.

And there is that select few who don't really give a crap.

What I am comfused on is why people would like a person like me in the first place?
People usually come to me for advice, wether on small things or really really important things....they usually ask me.

But there is something that I did recently, (not going into something that personal), that has cause me to lose that special trust with one of my closest friends. She no longer trusts me or talks to me, and for that I am deeply sorry..
For all of you out there who know this person and what I am talking about.....Im really REALLY sorry,
For those of you who dont....I did something every one regrets doing after they have done it.....All I am going to say is this could have screwed up my relationship for GOOD....which is why im upset ......
I feel like the worst person in the world.......

things......

2004-11-21T19:48:00.001-08:00

wow....

.....Amanda helped me set up a blog....and as you may have seen...also helped me write the first blog!

THANK YOU AMANDA.....I do love you but ya know Im not sure i erally want to be exactly like you, maybe just a bit but ya know I love being my own person...it is what is so unique about me!

Its what makes me .....well.....me!
thanx and see ya'll later

saddness

2004-11-21T19:48:00.000-08:00

Well,

Here is the situation, My boyfriend has decided to go back to Saskatchewan to deal with some Outstanding warrents from a few years ago, which mind you is very good of him. The only problem we have both seen is, we have no clue when he is coming back. As far as I can see, he might be gone for a few months, or even a few YEARS!!

And that makes me very sad. But a good thing is that, we have both decided to stay loyal to each other until he returns. Meaning that we are still going out, and we are going to be true to the relationship, *not play around* , on eachother.

He hasn't even left yet and I already miss him greatly, I dont know what to do... This is going to be hard, And I am praying every day till he returns that he will come back for me.........Like he said he would......

Man, being in love is hard sometimes!

my name is joanna

2004-11-21T15:14:00.000-08:00

my name is joanna
i love amanda
she is soooooo cool
i wanna be just like her when i grow young
because she's my friend..